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The Award Epidemic: Elementary School Drowns Students and Parents in Praise for Mundane Milestones


In a bizarre attempt to cater to Gen-Z sensibilities, a San Francisco elementary school has unleashed a torrent of accolades upon its unsuspecting students. Self-proclaimed expert on the millennial mindset, Jacky Bohemian, insisted that children need to feel like they're making a monumental difference. In response, Jacky devised "The Recognition Mission," a program that mandates monthly award ceremonies for all students, celebrating them for basic, mind-numbing activities.

"The Recognition Mission" consists of a 24-hour award assembly where students are lavished with praise for laughably trivial accomplishments such as "putting your best foot forward," "wearing red at least once," and "arriving at school with clothes on." Each student receives a precise 1,233 awards, maintaining the illusion that every child is an equal prodigy in order to avoid bruising fragile egos.

Throughout the assembly, attendees are required to clap for every award, no matter how absurd. Should a child be caught snoozing, they receive an additional award for "getting rest and staying healthy," disregarding their blatant rudeness. Parents are also thrown into the mix, receiving spontaneous awards – 20 per parent, to be exact.

Rumor has it that ego waves radiate from the assembly, inducing extreme irritability and a newfound disdain for Gen-Z among those within a few miles of the school. Parents, however, seemed to have mixed feelings:

"After my son received his 500th award, I knew I'd succeeded as a parent. I may have helped him pick out the blue shirt he got an award for, but I know in my heart, he'd have picked it out on his own eventually."

"I've been here for 19 hours, and I've never been prouder of my daughter. She only picked her nose 18 times yesterday. This is clearly award-worthy."

"Upon giving birth during the ceremony, I realized how fortunate my newborn is to witness her big sister's 'achievements.' I hope my new baby can be just as 'successful' as her sister."

"What on earth was that?"

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