ST. LOUIS, MO – Top researchers at Monplantso have recently achieved what many would call impossible: a renewable energy source that tackles your pest problems and reproduces with minimal care.
Researchers have genetically engineered a Venus flytrap capable of rapidly digesting insects, rodents, and even those annoying stray cats that keep reproducing and causing chaos in the neighborhood. The new species, dubbed Alpha Dionaea muscipula (due to its genetic superiority over its predecessor, Dionaea muscipula), not only handles much larger prey but also chemically converts the prey into electricity, which can then be harvested.
The electrical generation mechanism was introduced to the new plant species by genetically engineering pleasure receptors at their roots. When these receptors are exposed to electrical impulses, the plant tenses up and redirects its fluids into the leaves. During this period, the plant undergoes a brief positive feedback loop and quickly releases all the energy into the soil its roots are in. Scientists have cheekily dubbed this phenomenon a "plantgasm." During an interview with one of the scientists, they noted, "I remember watching the very first plantgasm – I think I even heard a little moan. It was kind of weird but oddly exciting."
To put things into perspective, the Alpha Dionaea muscipula can digest a rat in approximately 60 minutes. One rat is approximately 3,000 kCals, which means about 3,000 Watts of energy is produced during this hour. The average household appliance uses anywhere from 3,000 to 6,500 watts of energy, so by having an array of plants and feeding them your compost, your neighbor's irritating cats, or other, more morbid options, you could power your house in a much greener fashion than ever before thought possible!
When asking the engineer and scientists who the brainchild of the idea was, we came across Monplantso's very own Orin Scrivello. His story was very straightforward: "I was just smoking weed while watching Little Shop of Horrors, when suddenly, it hit me. I want to engineer that, but with like, electricity and stuff." And with that, one of the most ingenious ideas ever thought up by scientists worldwide was born.
It's essential to note, though, that because of the wide assortment of foods these plants can digest, it may be possible in the future to have farms of these plants fed with anything from old animal carcasses, compost, to even human remains. The future holds much promise, and hopefully, one day, every household will have a rooftop of Alpha's. A greener, albeit bizarre, future awaits.